A Collection of Three
by LilBlue-Hedggie
Summary: Three stories about a fox's misfortune with a blender, a weasel and his jacket, and a snake who has an issue with his name... Rated for hints of yaoi and the brutal slaughtering of fruit. AKA Naruto, Itachi, and Orochimaru.
1. Fox: Blender

LBH: I rise again! Since I have yet to think of a new chapter for CaBdnM(…) I decided to write this because these three little one shots have been floating around in my head for days.

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, never have never will. **

**WARNING: Can you already start to feel the melting of your eyes because of my bad grammar and spelling? CAN YOU! If not, then they're burning now/Pulls out a huge life-size Armstrong action figure and pushes a button/ Let my minion burn your pitiful eyes! **

Armstrong Action-Figure: CAN YOU SEE THE STRENGTH IN THESE BEAUTIFUL MUSCLES! CAN YOU/flex/ THIS TECHNIQUE OF BODY BUILDING HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS/Poses and sprouts shiny pink sparkles/

LBH:…/cough/ On with the fiction then…

**SECOND WARNING: Hints of yaoi, just so you know… So you can't say I didn't tell you! If you fail to read this and flame anyway then you're…Kinda pitiful because it makes you look like you can't read the obvious messages in bold… **

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A Collection of Three 

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Story One: Blender 

Being a demon container wasn't easy, far from it in fact. with the glaring villages and harsh words… But Naruto dislikes to angst, he greatly dislikes it in fact. So he thinks of less saddening down-sides to being the Kyuubi's Vessel, such as household appliances. It was very difficult to get his hands on that television he was so lucky afford, let alone any other electronic items. But household items that weren't necessary for everyday use he wasn't able to get.

Such as a blender.

Now as to why he needed a blender, it all began with a trip to the hospital. Apparently all that ramen he ate wasn't the healthiest thing for him. So Tsunade had given him a list that strictly told him what to eat and what not to eat. One thing on that list was fruit. He'd never really taken a great liking to fruits because of their squishy inner flesh and odd colors. Though that one fruit orange did greatly appeal to him… A fruit that was orange and was CALLED orange couldn't possibly be that bad.

But when he still refused to eat any fruit Tsunade suggested something called a fruit smoothie. Basically he was told to peel the skin off the fruit and pick out any seeds in said fruit and blend it together with a few other ingredients to help it was become smooth. Naruto thought this was great because he had an excuse to get out of it, he lacked a blender. His response from Tsunade was not what he had hoped. Instead of telling him it was okay not to eat fruit, she told him in simple worlds to "be creative."

So here he was in his kitchen staring at the peeled and pit less, or in some case seedless, fruits on the table in front of him. From his stand point he figured he had three options. He could not eat the fruit and as a result have Tsunade beat him into submission and force feed the fruits to him. Or he could willingly eat the fruits and save himself a world full of pain and make one Hokage very happy. Or he could run away, change his name, and grow a mustache. He reconsidered the last option when he felt his chin; unfortunately for him he never grew facial hair, so that option was out. Thinking about the last two options he decided on the one that brought him less pain. So he'd eat the damned fruit. It couldn't be too bad, right?

So back to that whole…Naruto lacking a blender problem…thingy…

He'd just have to find something that could mimic the effects of a blender. He thought good and hard for a moment before his thoughts turned to his fight with Sasuke. He'd successfully managed to drag him back to Konoha with the help of the Rasengan… Rasengan…

It was at this point a glowing light bulb suddenly appeared out of nowhere above his head. That was it, his Rasengan! The move was basically confining whirling blades of chakra into a ball. The effect, if you managed to hit your opponent, would pretty much blend their inner organs. If it could blend humans, why not fruit? Their fleshy inner bellies were pretty much the same anyway…

Grabbing a fairly large bowl he threw in a bunch of the fruit and a few other things before gathering his chakra into his hand. He was such a genius! Why didn't he think of this before?

Lowering his hand with contained Rasengan into the bowl, Naruto failed to realize that the lip of the bowl was rather wide. Something a regretted in a moment, because as soon as the Rasengan touched the fruit it had the desired affect and blended the fruit. But like a stated before the lip of the bowl was too large and because there was no lid to cover the rest of the bowl the blender fruit soon came flying out making a mess of Naruto's kitchen as well as Naruto himself.

Letting the Rasengan fade Naruto fell back down on his fruit covered kitchen floor in shock. The spikes of his hair along with his entire person were covered in the mixture of blended strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, cherries, and a few other types of berries he wasn't quite sure of the name of. His hair was now drooped with the pinkish colored goop and just when he thought things couldn't get any worse he recognized the snap and flash of a camera.

In his doorway stood a smiling Kakashi, or what he assumed was smiling. He held a small shinobi field camera in his hands.

"Why hello Naruto-kun! Having fun with your fruits?"

"Does it LOOK like I'm having fun!"

"Well maybe not fun for you but these pictures will earn me some good money… I know many people who would pay a great deal to see a meal of Uzumaki Naruto topped with fruit sauce." If it was at all possible Kakashi's grin widened.

Naruto's eye's narrowed. Two could play at this game.

"Well that's a shame because if those pictures got out then I'm afraid I might have to tell my good friend Dolphin-kun that his Scarecrow has returned to his naughty habits… "

Kakashi paled instantly.

"It's agreed then that we tell no one of this incident?"

Kakashi hesitated and mumbled something under his breath.

"We tell no one, RIGHT Kakashi?"

The silver haired man sighed before agreeing.

"Right, we tell no one."

"That's what I thought you said."

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LBH: Yay! Tale one of three! Anyway I'm still in the process of typing the other two and I have the names for them.

Story Two: The Jacket

Story Three: Three Syllable Names

R/R


	2. Weasel: The Jacket

LBH: Back again and I finally have time to type out the second of the three one-shots. I got no reviews but THIS DOES NOT DISCOURAGE ME! WITH THE BLAZING POWER OF YOUTH I SHALL IMPROVE/Strikes "Nice Guy" Pose/ …/cough/ moving on…

**DISCLAIMER: I thought I'd made my point clear, I don't own this! If I did I'd punish Sasuke for going off to the Fruity Snake Man (AKA Orochimaru) and leaving Naru-chan behind! **

**WARNING: Bad grammar lies before you! I have no beta because…because…well I just don't have one! I don't think I added any yaoi in this chapter…**

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A Collection of Three 

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Story Two: The Jacket

It was a little known fact, but Sasuke didn't just hate Itachi because he killed the clan, though that is enough to make any perfectly calm person go into a mad rage. Oh no, there was another reason. I see it fit to begin this tale by telling you a little bit more about our favorite clan killing Uchiha.

Itachi always had been a strange boy, never ever normal. To begin with he was a prodigy. Second off was his taste in clothing, hair styles, and nail polish. The fact that he wore nail polish at all should be enough proof that, in conclusion, Uchiha Itachi was not a normal boy. Although I have said this you're probably wondering what was wrong with his clothes, he mostly wore standard shinobi clothes, what was so strange about that? It wasn't his shinobi outfits that made Itachi so abnormal; no it was what he wore in his free time. Itachi didn't start wearing wide collared cloaks when he joined the Akatsuki, he had one before he massacred his clan. It was pretty much the same style at the Akatsuki one except it lacked the red clouds and such and was just a solid black.

It was this jacket that helped fuel the hatred of Uchiha Sasuke.

Don't get me wrong, back then Sasuke adored Itachi…In a brotherly sort of way people! Honestly I would like not to clean gutters today, than you very much! Right, but as I was saying Sasuke did like his older brother, until it came time for Itachi's few days off. He hated these days because these were the days that Itachi wore his high collared jacket. And true to Itachi's character he wore it the exact same way he did in the Akatsuki. With one arm free resting on the seam of the jacket. Little does anyone know how difficult it is to get one's arm into this position.(1) In fact unless you wanted to spend a good five minutes doing this, then it's good to have someone there to help you. And for most of his young life, Sasuke was that person. Sure the first time he felt proud of himself to being able to help his big brother, but after that…That proud feeling started to fade into deep annoyance. Especially since one Sasuke became older Itachi become more frustrated because he wasn't allowed to buy another cloak this leaving him with a tighter cloak each time he wore it, making it increasingly difficult to hook his arm in its normal position. This, he would get angry at Sasuke.

"Foolish little brother, can't you do anything right."

"Well excuse me but if you're so frustrated with me why don't you do it yourself!"

"Simple, because I am the older brother and you are the younger. I have the 'bigger' than you factor working with me,(2) plus I have seniority."

"But that's not fair I thought all people were supposed to get equal rights!"

"Don't be stupid Sasuke, you are not a person, you're a troll."

"WHAT!"

"Oh, didn't you know? You're an adopted troll that we're slowly fattening up to eat." (3)

"You don't mean that!"

"Hn."

"I'm telling mom!"

So as you can see, Sasuke loved his brother on normal days, but completely hated him on days when the evil jacket was brought out. When Itachi killed the clan that just gave Sasuke a BETTER reason to hate his brother. It also didn't help that the next time they saw each other Itachi was wearing a new high collared jacket… A bigger one…that he could rest his arm on without assistance. This, as I said before fueled Sasuke's anger.

And that, is the other reason why Sasuke hates Itachi.

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LBH: Alright story two!

(1) I've tried doing this before with a jacket and let me tell you it's damn frustrating without help! (Thus this idea was formed)

(2)My brother does STILL say this to me. Because they are bigger than me they have the 'big' factor.

(3) My brothers also told me this when I was younger…In fact…they STILL tell me this! Man my brother's are mean...

R/R


	3. Snake:Three Syllable Names

LBH: ONE REVIEW! OOOOOO-DE-LAAAAAAAAAAALLLY! …Er…/cough/ On with the last story!

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing I say! Just my faithful green sweatshirt, which I love like a dear friend. I don't own any other mentioned books/games/movies etc. mentioned.**

**WARNING: I have no beta, unless you call my dinky little spell check a beta. Another warning for bad humor. **

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A Collection of Three 

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Story Three: Three Syllable Names

Orochimaru was depressed, a weird thing for an evil mastermind. Normally all angsting was left to Sasuke, not Orochimaru, the anime equivalent of Michael Jackson. (1) As to what our snake-man was brooding over, it happened to be his name.

It's not that it's a BAD name per-say; it was just the amount of syllables. He had two syllables too many. Now one may ask, what is wrong with this? His name was menacing enough; it certainly gave off his true snake like image… But it was still annoying. All the greats had three syllable names.

You may ask who the greats are; well I'll name some for you.

There were some obvious ones, like Sephiroth. He was great, powerful along with that beautiful hair, the lucky bastard… Voldemort, or You-Know-Who, the guy tried to kill all the non magic population and rule the world, not to mention he also had a noble bloodline involving snakes. Then the classic Darth Vader, killed the Jedi, became a Sith, blew up a great many things, not to mention the fact he had great lines like, "Luke, I am your father!" Hell, even Itachi and Kisame; Itachi's ever loyal fish man had three syllable names.

Not all the greats were dark though, Orochimaru had to remind himself. Tsunade, despite everything had killer strength and she was a truly great medic Nin…With three syllables in her name. Even that perverted hermit Jiraiya! Despite the fact he claimed to be a super-pervert (2) he was still a tough opponent.

Then there was that demon Shukaku, THREE SYLLABLES!

Well to be fair the Kyuubi didn't have a three syllable name but nooooo, no one cared about THAT! The damned thing could destroy mountains and cause tidal waves with a minor shake of only one of its tales! And even though Orochimaru was powerful in human standards, he still could not destroy mountains. He was not god, just a Michael Jackson wannabe…

And just thinking of the Kyuubi brought up the Yondaime. God forbid we ever know his ACTUAL NAME! The dude DIES sealing the Kyuubi, not even killing it but he is constantly hailed a hero! Oh yeah! Bow down to mister fire coat! Who honestly wore flame patterns anyway? His big stylish purple rope/bow thingy was SO much better than that stupid, flaming, white trench coat! Not to mention the fact that it still stung that they had chosen HIM as the Hokage instead of Orochimaru. Ch! Not right to protect the village indeed! HONESTLY! All he wanted to do was experiment of a _few_ people, just a few! It was for the greater good, really it was. All he ever wanted to do was live forever, know EVERY justu there ever was, and rule a village of super strong mutant people who all obeyed him! Was THAT so much to ask fo-

"Orochimaru-sama? Are you alright? You seem to be turning a rather nice shade of puce…Or perhaps it's a mottled red…" Kabuto had entered the room.

Come to think of it…Kabuto had a three syllable name too…

Poor Kabuto's screams were heard all the way in Konoha…

Here Tsunade cursed and shut her window while taking a bottle of booze out from under her desk.

"Bah! Damn snake-bastard, still complaining about his name after forty years. You think the man would get over it!"

Taking a swig she settled down for a very _long_ night of paperwork…

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END

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LBH:…It's over! Well I'm glad I finally got that done.

(1)You have to agree, the resemblance is scary…

(2) Hehe…Super-pervert. I got called that once at Kei's birthday party. I made her some Raspberry tea, and when the bag was put in it leaked red, so I said it was having its period. Not much, I know but for some reason I've been labeled the super pervert ever since. (Not bothering to mention all the questions I had about if there was a world record for bust sizes among…other things…I won't mention the rest…Yes I AM a girl. I just have no social life so I have to get my kicks somehow…)

R/R


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